I found this in my notes from October 2023. Now that I have a website I think some of these old notes might be nice to post. I'm trying to avoid making any edits to them. Even if I might not relate so much anymore.

Oh of course I know how to write

I know how to write like my body knows how to spill blood at the slightest touch of the sharpest blade on my baby skin that sees no light of day, words gushing out without abandon before the scars begin to form

I know how to write like my body knows how to congeal the the wound on my knee into white blood cell clots and dried skin to prevent anything from flowing outward, closed shut off forever until the next foolhardy fall tosses me to my death

I know how to write like my body knows how to pad silently down the hall in my parents house when everyone is asleep to the liquor cabinet to pour myself whiskies

I know how to write like I know how to live like im trying to tell you that this is the only thing I know apart from swimming and crying and copying and listening and loving, I don’t know anything else, and you must know that even If I don’t write I know how to write and I know I will know how to write again someday because

I know how to write like my body knows how to well up tears at any thought that crosses the sticky hedge of my mind that makes me think of all the childhood longing I once had and all the childhood fears I have surpassed and like all the eternal sadness I have always thought about

I know how to write like I know why I journaled for 10 years straight like how my father kept a blog ‘fly without wings’ like how the only thing that saved me repeatedly when people didn’t call me for parties or thought I was too much or when I discovered alcohol worked a bit differently for me or when I had nothing to do on a Friday Saturday night or when I was high and alone and listening to music or like when I wrote fanfiction about love I could not possibly understand or like

How I know how to write knowing that no one will ever see this

You don’t get it, I really know how to write