day note aug 17
Unknown title - Ilyas Aidarov
woke up today and thought i'd go for a run but went to pick up groceries instead. there is no quick commerce where i stay and i enjoy having an excuse to zoom around on a scooter. hasn't gotten old yet. (reminds me i have to finish a piece about finally being able to drive drive). decided to try out a different veggie shop than the one i usually go to. wow i should have been going here all this time. the produce is better and i saw a bunch of notebooks next to the counter with names of a bunch of popular eateries around, everyone is getting their stuff from here it seems.
i have to remind myself that sometimes i am set in certain ways and habits that i am convinced of as the best way to do something and that i need to give room for new information to update my ways.
i got tiny baingan, palak, coconut, mushrooms, beetroot, dhaniya, cucumber, dragonfruit, and an avocado. avocado is for making my bi-weekly canned tuna-avocado-finely chopped onion tomato cucumber and dhaniya salad thing that will last me lunch and dinner along with katre pao. i cannot wait.
quick stop at the beach.
i then went to calisto, which is one of the few go to general stores around here. there's nothing i've not been able to find here. once i needed a screwdriver to open a stupid water drip collector thing behind the fridge (this is terrible design because you can't remove it without splashing this funky fridge water everywhere) and all the hardware shops were closed. found one at calisto. i actually just wanted to complain about the fridge inconvenience this was a harrowing no sleep day shall not get into rn.
it's run by a nice family who give me little discounts once in a while. once i came by in the evening and their daughter (who also sits at the counter from time to time) had just come back from school and was trying to get her mom to try 'just a little' of buzballzzz, which is like a cocktail pre-mix thing that was recently stocked in the liquor fridge. 'i just want you to tryyyy it', 'don't lie, you want to try it that's why you're asking me to try it' her mom said. 'nooooooooo i just want to see what you think'. i wonder if she got to try it. i wonder if she sometimes takes stuff from her family's store. i know i would try, but i was just that kind of a kid.
i got a green thai curry paste packet, frozen boneless chicken, and cat food for frida (pictured below).
i wanted to drive around a little more and i remembered i had to pick up milk too ( i go through at least a packet of milk a day sometimes more) so i stopped at another store and got just that. i contemplated getting the homemade brownies they sell across stores here but decided it was too early in the week for cold milk + brownie sweet treat.
got home and realised i'd have to go and get water tomorrow, the 20l can almost over. no water filter, so this is a weekly replacement task too. last year when i was here and a much more nervous driver, i would rely on my flatmate to do it. not the case anymore.
((how it feels to provide cuz i have scooter now))
made coffee and got ready for the day. rhea didi who comes to cook made thai curry and rice. it is naag panchami (as i learned) and there are prayers and celebrations to be had today. she told me a story about 'bhagwan ka saap' that lives in the big banyan tree that winds over the road to my house like some kind of a portal. this 'bhagwan ka saap' is apparently harmless and i am not to be worried if i see it. hmmmm.
i have seen one (1) snake this entire time in goa. i thought i'd see a bunch more because monsoon. should not speak too soon. (reminds me i have to finish editing a little vlog of me walking around and mistaking everything for a snake out of fear)
worked.
made nun chai.
when i want to not look at my laptop and i feel the anxiety start to creep i try to step out of the house. or go on the terrace and walk around. it's a wide and green view with a hill on one side.
i am realising that all the normie advice of... eat well, keep moving, talk to people, and get out of your own head.. does a lot of heavy lifting. it's much easier to function and figure when i'm doing this and not self sabotaging and ruminating. it's a process. i forget about it a lot.
sometimes it's hard. there have been not so good days and a few really bad days. wherever you go, there you are and all that.
but today was a good day and i'm glad i was here. things did not feel so heavy. i listened to cigarette burns by flunk and walked around and got a little sleepy. then i listened to against all logic - i never dream and felt less sleepy.
i made a little list of things that constitute 'movement' for me: driving, going to the beach, going for a walk, going to the terrace, going for a run, yoga, dancing, doing chores and cleaning, cooking, squats, qi gong, dry brushing, self massage. whenever i feel the ((dread)) start to creep in i try to do one of these.
worked a bit more.
around 6 i usually step out for a walk/drive to the beach. i can go on the beach or when i dont feel like getting sandy i can go to the chapel compound overlooking the beach and sit and watch kids play football, tourists take photos, couples frolicking in the water, regular local uncles conversing in a corner, teenagers playing cards in another corner, someone going for a run, someone attempting to wade knee deep across the beach creek (there is no graceful way to do this), dogs running around and swimming and shaking themselves dry, someone drinking from a paper bag next to me, someone meditating, etc etc. i hang around here for a bit until the sun starts to dip (no clear horizon sunsets because of the clouds and sporadic rain) and head back. sometimes i stop at nidhi or calisto to pick up something fun.
it's off season and there's not so much 'to do' yet, and not a whole lot of people around. though the monsoons have been a lot lighter than i expected. it rains for a bit throughout the day but never too heavy and never very long.
sometimes living in a little house in the rains by the sea away from people can get a bit lonely when you're feeling low. i'm staying with a friend, though she was gone for 2 weeks recently and just got back home tonight. the other friends i have in goa stay at least 40-50 minutes of a drive away, which is usually a once a week trip for something or the other that's going on. sometimes people visit and that is always nice. i miss having my own place to host people over.
i'm reminded of the fact that i like being around people. i have had phases in life where i've distanced myself from the people around me (hello immediate post-covid era) out of growing pains, a desire to not be known, disappear, become someone else, not be hurt, that somehow i'd be able to just figure out my life alone and that i didn't need anyone. this was quite unnecessary and painful. i sometimes feel the itch to do that when things are er, not going well, but i have to remind myself that this does not end well.
so i call a friend or find a place to drink tea and people watch or play with frida and tell her i love her or work on some unfinished draft of something instead. or i lie in bed till the feeling passes. watch something. sometimes i smoke a cigarette.
hmmm what else?
i got a rejection from a thing i was shortlisted for so that felt a little bad. spoke to a friend. felt a bit better. know what i need to do, i think.
ate mint chip choc ice cream today. my favourite ice cream flavour.
one of these days i'm going to go to emdouna bakery and get a tomato cheese omelette with a cappucino and side of bacon. found my comfort breakfast food spot. i'll also go to pick up fish or prawns at siolim later this week. rhea didi makes best fish/prawn curry i've had. on friday i am doing some kind of a sound/music performance thing with a friend who is doing some visual projection stuff as part of an ongoing art performance so i have to figure that out. was thinking of doing something fun with touchdesigner/mediapipe/ableton - controlling sound with hand gestures etc. let's see.
i have to/really want to finish up a bunch of other work before that. my friend oishee might come from bombay later this week and i am very excited to see them. it is their birthday week.
most of the people closest to me are leos so lot of birthdays this month. i am a leo rising but a big teary eyed pisces on the inside. if that means anything.
hopefully i get to swim in the beach if it's a sunny calm day sometime. or else maybe bhoomi and i find a pool to swim in.
some stuff i consumed this week...
bret victor - inventing on principle
watched s5 of silicon valley in its entirety on sunday.
TURQUOISEDEATH - Soundsystem, Breathe! // this made me so happy
stumbled across a tlp post in the wild
Archiving the Signal: Preserving Denpa Culture in the Digital Age (Presentation / Podcast)
One Thing: Ninajirachi – Textured drum layers
think i want to get back into reading some jung.
found Where Wizards Stay up Late: The Origins of the Internet (1996) on the bookshelf, halfway through, need to finish. very fascinating.
maybe i should re-read paradise kiss
been using tumblr a lot more again lately. blog from a context way back when that i've been perusing for aesthetic inspiration.
ok byeeeeeee gn